The Journey of Letting Go
I've been luckier than many. I've been home with my babe until just shy of his half birthday. Luckier still than most, my husband's work schedule is flexible enough that he'll be able to stay home with our son for a few weeks until this teaching mama comes back to baby for summer break, and we'll have added support from Grandma, who will take over nannying full time when the new school year rolls around, so Noah won't ever have to go to daycare as far as we can foresee. I've been around for every one of his firsts- first hiccups, first laughs, first fever, first babbles. I haven't missed a thing.
As a woman of faith, though, for me, this is more than just dumb luck. All the needs we've had with my being home without a salary being met are more than just coincidence or a happy surprise. My mom being able to take care of my son a few hours a week as she retires from work just at the right time isn't simply a good hand for me. This has all been very well orchestrated, i's dotted, t's crossed, by an impeccable Author.
So today, on my first day back to work, this same Author reminds me that He is not only writing my story, but now writes my son's. As long as He has known me, God knows the little ball of anxiety and nerves and control issues He ushered into this world, and still gave me the calling, passion and blessing of becoming a mother. Today is my first day on a very long journey of letting go, releasing control and anxiety, stress and strong emotions to ultimately trust His plans & promises. I've been on this journey of letting go for many years, you see. It began with letting go of my school & career choices, into letting go of my relationships and marriage, employment opportunities, finances, which has ultimately brought me here, prepared me for today, my strongest grip and most difficult release.
Today, I begin letting go of my baby as my own. He is not mine; in fact, he has never been. My son has been the Lord's since before he was in my womb, or an idea in my head, or a prayer muttered on my lips. And aside from ultimately being God's, he will sooner than I can fathom be his own man. As he grows up, I will increasingly miss his firsts. As he grows up, he will increasingly seek to spend time engaged with other people or activities. I won't always be the center of his world. Today, I start the long process of getting used to that. Today begins my journey which will unfold bit by bit over years to come of letting go of my baby. Today, I'm also reminded that the best I can do is keep loving him strong and keep laying his life and my own before the beautiful, nail-pierced feet of Jesus, not only the Author, but the Finisher and Perfecter of this captivating story.
Even if you are not a woman of faith, mama, be encouraged. Give your child your very best. It's all you can do. You, too, will have a baby grow up. You, too, may soon begin your journey of letting go, or perhaps have already begun. Let's partner together and build each other up on this crazy, heartbreaking, gorgeous thing known as motherhood. At least we have each other, right?